If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
