So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
