It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
