I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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