By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize