i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
