apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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