I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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