nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
