dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
