I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
