Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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