I cannot find my penis.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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