I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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