Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
