just come out here and I will go home with you...
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
