Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
