You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
