I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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