Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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