i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
