I wish I could punch you in the face.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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