It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
