Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
