we're chasing vodka with high fives
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
