By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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