watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
