My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I am one with the molecules
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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