New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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