did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
