finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
