I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
