I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
