I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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