literally had 100 drinks last night.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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