I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
