I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i want to swaddle you in tequila
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
