yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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