Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
