Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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