I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
