You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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