pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
