everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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