whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
