moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
