A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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