For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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