when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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