My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
