She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I fill condoms, not promises.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize