if you like me you must not know who I am
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
