Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
