I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Someone shattered a urinal.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
