I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
