Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
