all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
