Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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