the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
