I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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